


Fall Apart (to break off and)

by perditions_bixch



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bullying, Drowning, First Kiss, Gay, Gay Tyler, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Josh Dun is a Sweetheart, M/M, POV Tyler, Past Relationship(s), Religion, Religious Content, Religious Guilt, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 13:39:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11403555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perditions_bixch/pseuds/perditions_bixch
Summary: The urge to jump, to fly and crash was etched deep within his skin his brain, the flesh of his lungs. The want to break into pieces and feel it all, the cool burn as the water fills him up inside and makes him whole as he distances himself from a heartbeat by the second. These thoughts fill Tyler in the holes created by others. The scrappy bandaging covering the wounds and scars left by himself and his head almost tingle at the thought of connecting with water. The fresh wounds that never stung, would burn when he would hit the water.~~~~~~~Trigger warning for mentions of suicide, self harm, cutting, and abuse. Stay alive frens |-/





	Fall Apart (to break off and)

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, CUTTING, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, ABUSE, RELIGIOUS PRESSURE, AND IMPLIED HOMOPHOBIA!
> 
> ~~
> 
> This is my first published work, so leave some constructive criticism if you may and pass this story on :)
> 
> Stay alive |-/

There was something about how the waves crashed against the steel of the bridge that made the thought of death seem menacing. The water below his aching feet was bustling and frantic, signs of an oncoming storm. The storm in Tyler’s mind however, had been raging on for years. The wars against right in wrong battled his morals and his church on the daily, the sound of the voice that nagged him constantly. It was the voice who brought Tyler to this bridge at three in the morning, that told Tyler what to do, how to act, how he should punish himself for being a nascence to the world.

Tyler didn’t matter. He didn’t matter to himself and the voice always reassured him that he didn’t matter to anyone else. His brothers felt his image would ruin their chance of fun, his sister couldn’t look at him in the eye after seeing the bandages. His mother had forced the Bible so far down his throat he could vomit the entire thing back up in any situation. When his father learned, he wanted his son to fix his image. _No,_ not Tyler’s image, the family image. That pristine, good Christian family façade that anyone who lived out of the suburbs could see through. Hell, even the people in his church saw through the lies and cheating of the other members. But all was unspoken of, just like Tyler.

The bar where his arms rested upon was cold to the touch, the feeling he imagined his soul felt like if he ripped inside through the mess he called his body. There were no cars, no people. Just Tyler, the bridge, and the water. Nothing felt more right to Tyler than standing on that bridge with the thought of an end. _The end._ As a child, Tyler imagined he would find a home, love a wife, and live within the white-picket fence of another Ohio suburb. The older he got, he realized that life wasn’t made for some people, that God makes mistakes sometimes. Tyler considered himself one of those mistakes. The isolation in his school with his friends who could care less, the feeling of being in the wrong place at the wrong time every Sunday in the house of Him.

Looking up to the sky, as if he was giving a last plea to Him, to save him from himself, to see if Tyler truly is worthy. The sky was dark, the deep clouds in the night sky made it impossible to the light of the moon mocking him. There was no light, just like in his mind. Just the darkness urging Tyler to let it swallow him whole and lay him to rest in nothingness. Tyler closed his eyes and tried to pray, tried to plead for a reason. Any reason. A reason to continue his dreadful life in misery, a reason to skip this chance of finally being free. 

When Tyler felt nothing within or outside of his bones, he cracked opened his eyes and smiled to the sky. For once in his life, Tyler was getting what he wanted. Sure he got toys and basketball trophies, but they never meant anything to him. A material object can’t beat the feeling of freeing yourself from the ropes society ties around your neck. He smiled, bared his teeth at the sky and almost laughed.

_Thank you,_ he thought. _Thank you for giving me this life, but it is not mine to keep anymore._

Turning his head back towards the infinite mass of water, Tyler decided it was time. The single note he left for those he knew in life sat atop his dresser, next to the shining gold of success in sports. 

Taking a deep breath, Tyler raised his foot to the ledge, then the next. He stood on the safe side of the ledge now, looking around to make sure no one would stop him from completing his goal. 

With another shaky step, Tyler stepped over the railing and sat, his long legs hanging off the edge of the bridge, now on the _‘unsafe side’._ It wasn’t exhilarating as some people would describe it, his heart wasn’t racing in fear or of adrenalin. 

_No,_ he was still, his heart was quiet, it was almost as if he was already dead. The only difference between Tyler and death was the buzzing and yelling within his mind. 

The urge to jump, to fly and crash was etched deep within his skin his brain, the flesh of his lungs. The want to break into pieces and feel it all, the cool burn as the water fills him up inside and makes him whole as he distances himself from a heartbeat by the second. These thoughts fill Tyler in the holes created by others. The scrappy bandaging covering the wounds and scars left by himself and his head almost tingle at the thought of connecting with water. The fresh wounds that never stung, would burn when he would hit the water.

Tyler sighed, _one of my last breaths I will ever release_ , he thought. 

_This was it, the end of all,_ the beginning of a new era. 

Tyler believed he deserved to burn below for his sins, for being who he was in the life he lived. What he felt, what he did, _everything was just wrong._

But this, sitting on this bridge and taking his life was right. The mantra of voices and his Bible agreed, this was his endgame. The wind had died down, making the world still. The smell of heavy rain on its way still hung heavy in the air. 

_Now._ Tyler willed to keep his eyes open for it, to see himself fall apart in His creation. He stood back atop the ledge and looked down. And the tired boy with his frail bones and his rotted mind and crooked soul, stepped outwards into nothing, and fell.

### 

A new feeling enclosed Tyler, one he knew he would never feel again. The numbness in his chest was gone and the restraints above his throat were gone, slipping away into the breeze as he fell. It was ethereal for Tyler.

Tyler’s eyes were open, but when he felt the last feeling of water against his skin, pain radiated from nowhere and everything went black.

_Nothing._

That’s what he was in his life, and that’s where he is now. Nothing is in his line of vision, nothing was on the other side of life. God must be conflicted as to where to send Tyler as it felt like he was drifting for ages in nothing. His mind was blank, his limbs didn’t ache, the red lines that marked up his thighs and arms didn’t burn anymore. 

Tyler felt no remorse, no regret for what he had done. He wanted peace, but the dark felt far from it. As if He had made up his mind on where to sentence the broken boy, Tyler felt a warmth circle around his chest. 

_Hellfire,_ he thought. _I’m going to Hell where the church expelled me to._

The feeling of warmth didn’t feel menacing and it didn’t burn like he thought Hell would. Instead, it felt protective, safe, but Tyler couldn’t tell where he was going. 

From nowhere, Tyler’s lungs filled and deflated like he was breathing again, but his body refused to do so on its own. The warmth surrounding his chest had moved to the centre, over his cold, useless heart. The feeling of nothing became something, confusing the boy who was dead. Almost as if the feeling in his chest exploded, Tyler felt everything.  
His head was suddenly pounding with blood, his arms ached, the scars were burning. 

_No,_ he thought, _this is all wrong._

Tyler was alive, and he hated every moment of it.  
_Did he even die?_ Coming back to his senses, Tyler began to notice the pumping on his chest in a disorderly pattern. Out of reflex, Tyler’s mangled body heaved up water onto the surface he was lying on which he soon discovered was sand. 

“Oh thank God you’re alive!” a voice said.  
The weight of his eyelids felt crushing, so instead of seeing the ugly world again he groaned for a response. 

“Can you hear me? Come on bud stay with me”. The voice sounded like velvet, smooth but frantic. “Can you open your eyes for me?” the voice spoke again.

As much as he hated the thought of seeing the world he just tried to leave, Tyler needed to know the source of the man who killed his dreams. With little energy, Tyler began to crack open his eyes only to be met with mocha ones similar to his own. “There we go, that’s it.” The boy said again. 

It was bright out, daybreak most likely, and the scent of rainwater was far gone. With his eyes fully adjusted to the light, Tyler focussed on looking at his rescuer.

He was topless, his arms and upper body was lean and fit, sprinkled with light freckles here and there. The bright pop of colour against his right arm mesmerized Tyler as his eyes followed the tree on the boys arm upwards into a sunset and spiral galaxy. A bright patch of yellow hair was stuck to his forehead, presumably from grabbing Tyler. His eyes were wide with hope, something Tyler hadn’t seen or heard of for months. 

“Hey, welcome back to the world of the living. My name is Josh.” Tyler looked up at Josh with curious eyes, he had never heard of this boy before yet here he was beneath him, drenched in water and sand.

Tyler tried to speak, but the scratch in his throat from the water he downed made it almost impossible for him to do so. 

“Don’t strain yourself trying to speak, you don’t have to tell me what you did. I have a pretty good idea why you did what you did.”

Tyler frowned, had Josh seen him jump? Surely it couldn’t be possible he tracked him down and tried to bring him back for hours. Josh looked down at Tyler in shame, the boy had just attempted suicide hours ago and now he was the saviour. 

In Tyler’s eyes, Josh was the bad guy. Josh had saved him, Josh had taken away his choice, Josh had screwed up God’s plan for Tyler to relieve others of his presence. 

And now with God’s plan of terminating Tyler last night being in ruins, Tyler had found another person to make a lasting impression on. Another person to let down and get neglected by. Josh would be nothing but another boy to him, Tyler doesn’t want him to get attached. But judging by the way Josh looks at Tyler, he doesn’t want to ever let the frail boy out of his sight.

His eyes are burning into Tyler’s – not burning – something softer, loving almost. Tyler can’t remember the feeling of love either. Josh looks the boy once over before leaning to his right and sitting in the damp sand next to the boy. 

He wore jeans that had more rips than fabric and skater shoes on his feet. He could be almost as tall as Tyler standing, maybe shorter. 

“I was riding my board when I saw you drifting down the river. It was about two in the morning, maybe three. I tried to follow the river as best as I could, then the storm hit and I couldn’t move as quick as the tide.” 

Josh picked at a rock in the sand.

“I finally got to you once it cleared up at about four, dragged you up and started compressions.” He turned his head to look at Tyler, “I almost gave up on you, but you pulled through and here we are.”

This boy had followed Tyler’s body for hours just to save him? For all Josh knew, Tyler could’ve been dead long ago, but he persisted even through the storm. Tyler looked at Josh in astonishment and tried to speak again, only to be met with coughs. 

“Um, if you want to speak maybe you could try to write in the sand?” Tyler nodded and began to write his name in the sand with a shaky arm. 

“Ty…Tyler? That’s your name? Cool name Tyler.” Josh smiled. Oh gosh, even his smile made Tyler feel something within, a pulling, almost staple feeling of the boy growing closer.

Josh sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Um, I don’t mean to pry but did you try to kill yourself? And do you have anyone I could call for you? A parent or friend? I’m not sure what part of Columbus you are from but I would be glad to take you home.” 

Tyler looked up, almost bursting into tears at the thought of facing his family after his flop of a suicide. Josh must’ve noticed Tyler’s change of mood and spoke, “I’m sorry I asked, maybe you just want to hang out with me for a while? Get your mind off things?” 

Tyler nodded. “Alright then, Tyler do you think you can stand?” 

Josh stood up from the sand and held out his hands for Tyler to latch on to. He didn’t want to attach himself more to the boy, but it was needed if he was going to get up. He reached for the other boy’s strong arms and was heaved to his feet, stumbling into Josh’s chest and losing balance. 

“Whoa there, I got you.” Josh said, grabbing Tyler to make sure he was upright. Tyler needed a moment, he wouldn’t lie. It was weird to be in the arms of someone who cares after you thought no one did. But did Josh really care? The effects of flowing unconsciously in a river hit Tyler, who ached all over. He was sure he would be covered in bruises and scrapes. Tyler leaned into Josh’s embrace to steady himself, he never thought he would be standing again. He imagined being tied up with hooks through his flesh in Hell, paying for his sins. 

With Tyler leaning full weight on to Josh, Josh held the boy tight in his arms to make the experience a little more comfortable. The boys held on to each other, longer than the average hug or help-me-up should have lasted, but there was comfort within the hug. 

Tyler slowly started to ease more pressure on to his beaten legs, leaning more of his top half in to Josh’s bare chest. He was warm considering he had jumped into a cold river and sat in the chill of the morning.  
When Tyler regained his posture, he stepped away and got a good look at his surroundings. They were on the bank of the Olentangy River, he imagined he was closer to the city than where he started near the suburbs. They were in the trees, beyond them looked to be a clearing full of baseball diamonds.

Tyler turned to Josh as he slipped his tee back on, a faded grey NASA tee that stuck to the boy’s damp skin. Tyler felt the heat in his cheeks and tried to avoid it. 

“There is a forest and a cemetery just up the street if you want to hang there for some quiet. I’ve got some food on me as well unless you want to head to a fast food place.” Josh said grabbing his backpack adorned with countless patches about space. He didn’t want to see other people in fear of recognition, he also didn’t want to see other people in general. 

Tyler walked to the nearest tree and smacked the bark, looking at Josh. “Forest?” Josh asked, Tyler nodded. “Sick, let me just put my board away really quick.”

Josh walked over to the tree and grabbed to long piece of black and red wood, his skateboard. Sliding the board into his bag, Josh looked back at Tyler with a smile, “Follow me,” he said reaching his hand out to hold. Tyler resisted at first, but took a step towards the yellow-haired boy and reached for his hand. 

His hold was firm, yet soft as the boys began their journey. Josh had considerably nice hands, they looked rough, but when observing as closely as Tyler was, they were perfect. With their hands slotted together, Tyler followed Josh into the morning sun.

###### 

The forest was quite small, but it still obscured the boys away from reality. The trees stood tall against the sun creating a blissful shade underneath the foliage. Tyler was still holding on to Josh’s hand as they walked in silence. 

During the walk, he noticed more things about the beautiful boy. Like how he had plugs in his ears, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the three tattoos on his other arm; a heart with mom written on it, a drum, and the state. 

Tyler wasn’t sure if he still believed he was alive. Every moment he spent with Josh was giving him hope that he could start again. The voices that took him to the bridge last night were gone, replaced with an empty skull to fill with memories and happy moments. He had no home to go back to, he couldn’t face another day at school, Tyler had nowhere else to be other than with Josh.

Stopping next to a large tree, Josh turned to Tyler, “I know you had a rough night, but maybe we want to climb to that branch up there?” 

Tyler followed Josh’s hand and looked up. The branch was thick, not too far off the ground but far enough for privacy. Tyler nodded and began to climb with Josh. Climbing meant that Tyler had to let go of Josh’s hand, which was the first time he wasn’t touching the boy since he woke up. Josh climbed ahead of Tyler, giving the boy a rather pleasant view of Josh’s ass. 

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, _no that’s wrong, you will go to Hell._

Josh reached the branch, pulling himself up and offering his hand the assist Tyler. With both boys sat on the branch, the birds he had heard from below seemed more distant now, their voices muffled within the tree. The silence wasn’t still, it was natural, it didn’t make Tyler want to rip out his throat or scream into nothing. 

Tyler felt the need to speak, to say something to the boy he barely knew. His throat felt somewhat better but was replaced with a lump, urging him, say something, it chanted silently. 

Tyler let his voice ring out, “yes,” he stated. A hollow answer from a hollow boy. Josh’s head snapped towards him at the sound of his distressed voice. 

“I tried to kill myself,” Josh’s eyes somehow got darker, the happy light that filled them recently was fading into something more. 

“I have nowhere to go, my family doesn’t want me, I have no friends, the Church…” Tyler’s voice began to crack, it was becoming easier to sound more like himself, yet he hadn’t spoken a word to anyone for weeks as he sat in silence.

Tyler looked to Josh, for some sort of confirmation that he was indeed a suicidal head case waiting to drown in his own blood. But Josh said nothing, he just stared at the tanned boy next to him, processing his words once more. He reached an arm behind Tyler and another in front of the boy and squeezed him in an awkward side hug. He didn’t know what to do, his arms were stuck to his sides as Josh continued to press at him moving his head to the taller boy’s shoulder. 

“Do you still want to die?” he whispered into his skin. If the question had been asked earlier, Tyler would’ve said yes without a doubt, but now he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“I don’t know anymore.” His words were soft, but had an edge that could pierce a wrist in a quick action. That was the end of their chatter for a long while. Josh eventually moved his arm to rest at his side while the other held Tyler to his other side, a protective hold for just being in a tree. 

It could’ve been hours later when Tyler felt it. The feeling of doubt spreading through his bones like a flood. He knew what he was feeling was wrong, that he shouldn’t be alone with this boy in this position. 

He felt the presence of Him, shaking his head at the boy who was being held. The buzz stared off dim, but spread throughout his chest, from one to two hundred bees making their colony within. Josh didn’t seem to feel Tyler as his body began to shake in an attempt to keep the voice away, but Tyler had no strength in him to push back. 

The forest seemed dimmer, the temperature was colder and Tyler could start to hear the whisper of that old friend within. He wanted to scream, to fall off the tree and hope it would kill him for good this time, but his bones stayed melted into Josh’s body as the sounds he believed to be dead, came back. 

He wouldn’t budge, he wouldn’t move as he felt the voice within start to urge him, to bring back the sting of every cut he ever made. He was going insane and the world never knew. The voice taunted his wrists and Tyler flinched, bring Josh back to reality.  
“You alright?” He asked lifting his head. 

Tyler shook his head, “Can’t you hear?” he whispered, “can’t you see what’s happening here?” the whisper grew louder. 

“Tyler, nothing is wrong- “ 

“He’s here, he’s here for me, to make me pay for the sins” Tyler’s voice became raspy as he tried to grasp on to a straight thought.  
Josh was concerned now, his eyes widening with fear, “Tyler, breathe for me,” he grabbed on to Tyler’s face. 

Tyler closed his eyes and saw blood, the voice’s favourite colour.

“Tyler look at me, c’mon,” Josh urged in a soothing voice, how was he completely calm? The voice was screaming at him, incoherent words that made him want to suffocate himself in a pillow to try and diminish it. 

Tyler was shaking even more now, “Tyler, breathe with me,” Josh began, but he was unable to finish as Tyler made a split decision to jump off the branch. 

“Tyler!” Josh yelled as the boy hit the forest floor. 

Tyler stumbled and a new ache began in his knee. He didn’t have time to wince as he started to sprint through the trees, running away from the voice with the knives. In the distance, Tyler could hear Josh yelling at him to come back but his mind wouldn’t stop him. The trees and the greenery that once brought him peace with the bright yellow boy now mangled and sharp to the bare eye. His vision grew narrow, his breaths shot out like his last. It was as if the boy was dying all over again, but in the tortuous manner he deserved. Tyler’s step faltered and he went flying towards the dark and prickled ground. His arms flew out to protect himself, but all he got was wrists to the vines and a rock in his chin. 

The voice screamed at him, Tyler screamed back, covering his ears to block out the words spewed. Josh was nowhere to be seen in the boy’s vision, but became no issue when he squeezed them shut to block out the eyes staring back at him. The blood behind his eyes was not as menacing as the glowing red ones inching closer within the forest. 

Tyler screamed again, he was sure this was Hell. He felt the feeling in his chest again, the light pierced through the red and the warmth in his chest began again. There was a strong hand on his face before the light behind his eyes went black.

###### 

What was the point of his existence anymore? Tyler had asked that question every day since his turmoil began. He asked this question again as images floated through his mind. 

His brother Zack’s fifth birthday, where Tyler had tripped over the hose in the yard and broke his wrist was one of those memories. One of his first experiences of pain. That pain was temporary, but Tyler was only six, his body was smaller and weaker then so the pain was insurmountable. Sure he cried like any child would when he heard the snap of the bone, but it became a trophy of the school yard when he went back to school. 

Another memory of Tyler getting accepted into the junior basketball team. He was sure he wouldn’t make the team when he tripped, yet again, but on his shoes. His mother had pounded him for that slip up and he cried himself to sleep until he heard the news. It was then he learned he should fear his mother to keep her happy and Tyler in a positive space. 

The next one, was darker. Tyler had stared at a boy in his class. He was a rather nice looking boy with a wicked grin and bright blue eyes, but apparently his looks were only meant for females. When Tyler’s teacher told his parents of his _‘outlandish behaviour for a ninth grader’_ he was confined to his room for two weeks with only his miniature basketball hoop on his door and his Bible. Within the Bible, his father had highlighted verses and scriptures that would ‘help Tyler get back on track’ and _‘keep him in Gods light’._

By the end of the two weeks, Tyler was able to memorize Romans 1:26-:28, 1 Timothy 1:8-:11, and more verses to _‘right his wrongs’._

The view of his seventeenth birthday came into view, Tyler was bloodied and bruised, his lungs felt like lead and he was crippled to his bathroom floor. A rumor had spread throughout his school regarding him and another boy, a rumor that was not true in the slightest. He was accused of making the boy a sinner and for ruining his mind, but Tyler had only ever noticed the boy once in his Psychology class. 

When the larger boys had heard, they rushed to make sure Tyler wouldn’t _‘spread’_ his _‘disease’_. His parents never questioned why their son looked like he lost a bar fight due to word spreading around the church. 

And by his parent’s logic, if they ignored something like this long enough, it would go away. 

_It never did._

A final memory of two weeks ago flooded his mind. His father had caught him acting _‘too close’_ with a boy from the other side of town. Tyler and Keith had only been running off their sugar highs of too much soda and candy Keith had brought. The boys were giggling messes and they chased each other around. It was the most fun Tyler had had in a while, quickly torn away when his father drove home from work. With his father yelling at him, Tyler had enough, he was tired of being shoved into the closet he never expected to exist. 

He confessed to his father, how he felt about attraction, how he viewed members of the opposite sex claiming _‘girls are just friend material to me’_. The look on his father’s face was far over mortified. Then the slurs were thrown and for the first time in nineteen years, Tyler’s father swung his strong fist into the cheek of the boy and he hit the floor.

###### 

_Light._ It was the light again. Tyler saw the brightness return to the backs of his eyes. The pounding in his chin added to the list of bumps and bruises he had gained in the last day. A calming feeling rushed through his body from the top of his head, a tingle as his hair was being touched by soft hands. _Josh_ , he thought. The weights on his eyes seemed to lessen and Tyler began to crack open his eyes. His head was in Josh’s lap, the dandelion boy above him. Josh had found flowers and started to stick them into Tyler’s hair The beautiful flower boy. When Josh realized that Tyler had awoken, he smiled and held the boy’s cheek in his palm.

“Hey,” Josh whispered. Tyler smiled back, the scene was beautiful. The sun shining from above Josh made him look angelic, his dark eyes showed no fear. Tyler felt safe again, the voice had left and he felt free and weightless. 

Josh was breath taking. He had never noticed how he could change the way he thought in seconds. It was almost as if he was created by his mind, a figment of his imagination. But here he laid in the smiley sunshine boy’s lap, grinning ear to ear. 

“You look good with the sun,” Tyler said. The slightest tinge of pink made its way onto Josh’s cheeks. He noticed Josh ha a small pile of daffodils next to him and one in his hand, the bright yellow flower matched his hair and the sun.

“You would beat the moon in a pretty contest, and the moon was the very first thing that I missed.” The sudden flirt even shocked Tyler and made him embarrassed. He knew he shouldn’t be saying things like this to Josh, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“You are looking quite flattering yourself flower boy.” Josh replied. 

Tyler closed his eyes and focussed on the hand in his hair, don’t fall for him, its wrong. As much as Tyler wanted to see Josh every day and night, to be wrapped in his arms to ward off the voices that so desperately want him dead, Tyler knew that this is not what He had planned. 

That this feeling was unnatural and wrong, and by leading Josh on they would both be sent to Hell to pay. Tyler opened his eyes, this time with less of a smile in them. Josh still looked as happy as ever, tongue between his teeth as he placed another flower in the boy’s hair. 

Tyler sat up from Josh’s lap, but too quickly as his head began to spin. They were in the cemetery, rows upon rows of stone jutting from the Earth. Each with a different name of a different person whose death was lost to history. This is where Tyler should be buried. This is where Tyler would be laid to rest from the beatings of reality if the bridge plan worked. But now he was here, alive, every tombstone mocking him for not being one of them. He belonged to a hole in the ground in a wooden box, where only his skeleton bones would remain.

Josh was looking to Tyler, another flower ready in his hand. “This is my endgame.” Tyler stated staring off into the distance.

“This is where I should be rotting, where my family should be avoiding to have nothing to do with me.” He imagined that his parents wouldn’t want to attend the funeral, that his only true attendees would be his friends, Mark and Jenna, and his siblings. But the cost of the family image would force his parents to dress up and drive down to say farewell to the son they wish they never had. The pain would be half forced and the pastor would look down upon his body as he would be lowered in. This is what should have happened. 

“I’m glad that you are here living, rather than dead.” The small spark of pain in Josh’s voice caught Tyler’s attention. Looking at Josh, Tyler spoke, “why is that? What is the difference between what I am now and what I wanted?” 

Josh raised his arm and directed the flower in his grasp towards Tyler’s left ear, “there are things you wish for, but the more important things are gifted. Some people wish for a quick painless death, but others prefer a slow death to remind them of what they did.” 

Josh released a breath and caught Tyler’s eye with his own, they were close, too close. “When I saw you this morning in the river, I had wished you weren’t dead. I wished that you were fine and that you would come to your senses. When you came back, we were both gifted with your life being back in your own hands. We were gifted with hope that you had a long life ahead of you.” 

It seemed as if there was an unspoken gravity pulling the two closer together. Josh’s lips moved smoothly as he spoke, they were soft to the eye and most likely softer to the touch. He was kissable, and that was dangerous for someone like Tyler. 

“What is so important about my life being a gift? How could I be a gift for someone? Especially someone like you?” Tyler could feel Josh’s breath now tickling his face and Josh’s eyes skipped down to Tyler’s lips and back. 

“You are everything. Your presence is a gift to me, the boy who I saved is everything I ever asked for.” 

The next thing Tyler knew his lips were on Josh’s. It was slow and loving, the foreign concept that Josh introduced to him. He could feel his own heart flutter within his chest as the kiss deepened, Josh raised his hand to Tyler’s cheek and his other to hold his side. There was something beautiful within it all considering they were in a graveyard. The bodies below them were dead as doornails but the kiss between the boys made Tyler feel alive. Josh pulled back from Tyler’s lips and Tyler let out the smallest whine. 

Josh cracked a tiny smile, “kissing you is a gift. The best experience of my entire life is being right here with you”. 

Tyler leaned in and captured Josh’s lips again. This time they both were filled with the longing for the other. Josh nipped at Tyler’s bottom lip and Tyler brought his hand to Josh’s neck, lifting the angle to capture him better. They kissed again and again, they were lost in time and in each other. There was no graveyard, there were no demons, there was just the two boys who had been gifted with each other in their last attempts of purpose. They broke apart and stared into each other. 

Tyler believed that the eyes were the window to the soul, and Josh’s soul was beautiful. The way the deep splashes of brown collided with cooler and lighter shades dragged Tyler into an abyss of just Josh. He was bright, a boy who could never stop smiling. His exterior said otherwise but all it took was one smile to break the heavy appearance. He was kind, the way he would speak and address topics of any range with caution. Josh had a presence of curiosity, he wanted to explore the stars and see the galaxies collide and create. There were so many different parts, aspects, perspectives and sides to Josh that there could only be one word to describe the space boy. He was a galaxy, large at heart, had his deep corners that would fend off even the bravest. He had streaks of prude, happiness and dedication swirled together to create something unforgettable. It was the way his hands felt, soft yet firm. The way he held Tyler made it seem like it was them against the world, as if the boy’s soft touch could break anything instantly. The way small freckles danced across his skin resembled stars of every galaxy ever created. Like most stars, you could only seem them at a certain time or when you were truly looking for them. They were an added bonus to the unique things about Josh. But there was another star he represented, the sun. Josh’s bright yellow hair could pass as an eyesore for some, but it added a distinct distraction from everything else. When you looked at Josh, you didn’t remember his eyes or his clothes, you remembered the splash of bright yellow sticking through his hat. The yellow topped off the whole punk look only throwing it off slightly. Another thing that represented the brightness of the sun was his smile. Josh had amazing teeth, that was all to be said. 

“Tyler,” he heard and snapped back into reality. He blinked and focussed his eyes back on Josh’s full face.

“You okay?” Josh questioned rubbing his thumb across Tyler’s cheekbone. 

“Sorry, it’s just that you are so beautiful.” Tyler blushed. “I look at you and see the stars, I see the world from a happier angle, but it should be wrong to look at someone like you that way.” 

Tyler’s eyes fell to his lap. “What way?” Josh asked. 

“As a boy who likes a boy a great deal, it should feel disgusting, to my family it’s a sin. It’s one of the reasons I ended up on the bridge. But looking at you,” Tyler spoke and let his words hang as he glanced back up at Josh. 

“Looking at you in that way makes me feel alive, it makes me feel full inside. Full of flowers and cosmos and everything within you that make you so damn appealing to me.” It was Josh’s turn to blush now turning his head away.

“You are so beautiful Josh inside and out, as if you were created by a mould in my mind to redeem me.” Josh turned his face back to Tyler’s and pecked him on the cheek, “no one will ever be able to handle your allurement Tyler. You are worth it. You did what you did but you haven’t paid for it wrongly.” 

Tyler began to smile again and went to kiss Josh again but then he felt it. The numb seeking through his chest the way it did almost instantly when he fell. 

“Josh,” he croaked. Josh only shook his head. “it’s going to be alright Babyboy, just stay calm I’ve got you.” 

Tyler felt like he couldn’t breathe again and his bones began to ache. The pain from last night subsided but was brought back almost instantly. 

“Josh,” Tyler began, “what’s happening to me?” Tyler was light headed, and was losing consciousness. 

“You are leaving, but you are going to be alright. I shouldn’t have made you stay for so long. You being with me made things worse, but don’t worry things are going to be fixed.” Josh let go of Tyler’s face and began to lay him down in the soft grass. His chest was constricting and his breaths became harder to come by. 

Josh looked down at him and smiled, “I’ll see you soon.” He leaned down and kissed Tyler on the forehead for the last time, then on the lips. He held the kiss for a second longer and held his hand. 

Tyler’s eyes were drifting shut, but before he left he looked to the tombstone above him.  
_Tyler Robert Joseph_  
_1988 – 2008_  
_I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world  
John 16:33_

In the final moments when the pain had become too much, the world surrounding him had drifted into a white haze bringing Josh with him. It seemed as if he was falling into the sun as his pain began to wash away and fall apart.

### 

Tyler Joseph was found in the Olentangy River the morning after he had jumped. He was found in a coma-like state and was rushed to hospital. Besides basically drowning the boy had broken many bones and was kept on life support. Tyler’s body had crashed once but was able to be saved by the nurses and doctors. Tyler’s brother Zack and his friend Jenna had never left the room once to serve themselves. Tyler’s parents visited twice but mostly stayed at home and tried to continue their lives. 

It wasn’t until four days after the incident, did his family decide to pull the plug on the battered boy. His entire family and two friends watched as the doctors unhooked Tyler from the machines keeping him from death. Without the help of machinery, Tyler was only able to support himself for an hour until his body had given up on trying to save him.

The funeral was a week later. The entire church attended along with random people within the community who had heard of the boy maybe once in their lifetime. Chris and Kelly never cried during the service, even through their eulogy. Jenna couldn’t stop sobbing and Mark held her with his own tears streaming down his face. 

After the ceremony was over and Tyler had been laid into his hole in the ground, the crowd dispersed and went home. No one had laid a single flower for him. At the brink of dawn, the day after, a single yellow daffodil was placed on his barren plot.


End file.
